Torn Between Two Worlds.

Torn Between Two Worlds.


I am a product of 2 different cultures. I am a product of 2 different types of families of 2 different cultures. I am a product of 2 different types of families of 2 different cultures of 2 different types of affluence. I am a product of 2 different point of views about both cultures and thier way of life. Im torn between 2 worlds. Im torn between 2 worlds even with my own friends. Is there no way out?

Its difficult being raised under 2 different cultures at the same time. You know me, my parents are mixed. My father's relatives are Chinese, one of my uncle a Buddhist and my aunt, a Catholic. My father was a Catholic who converted into Islam. On my other hand, my mother is a Malay, and im the product of both. Living a person being born out of a mixed family really opens up your mind to greater depths. I lets you look deeper into thier culture and the differences they all have. I celebrate Chinese New Year, Hari Raya, and Christmas. Of course, some might say that you are lucky to celebrate all these festivals with your relatives, but in truth, its tormenting! Youre torn between 2 worlds and you feel like youre nobody, you have no concrete sense of identity. Many people dont feel like what i truly feel.

But the point is that not only im torn between 2 cultures but also 2 different expectations that they have on me. Its hard for me to put it in words, but lets just say, that my fathers side of my relatives, my cousins and all, are very smart. All of them at least went to a Junior College and onto University. Even my father wants me to go to Junior College and i dunno what they would think of me when i do polytechnic. My mother's side however when they reached N level, they are soo happy. So my dilemma is that im the product of both side, if one side only made to N level and the other, University, so i must go to polytechnic right? Its so funny when you think of it. Its an offsetting figure. Compromise.

But then again. When you realized the difference between both and you applied it to friends, it all adds up to a different story. Many of whom i made friends both comes from different races. Youve seen malay student having best friends with only thier Malay counterparts, but i have both from different races. I mixed confidently with both my malay friends and my chinese counterparts. You see, if you are mixed, you better understand thier behavioral patterns and thus you feel comfortable hanging out with both sides. Again its difficult to express the feelings that im feeling right now. Its like youre nowhere in the middle of this and that, with no concrete identity, you feel like youre lost. I feel that if a person is mixed, he or she better understand to a person's need and will be better off judging a person.

Hanging out with friends of different races can be a headache. I never told anyone about this but sometimes it makes me sick, literally. As i say, each of them have different taste and sometimes its not easy to please everyone. Sometimes i feel that im a loser at planning outings. I'm very indecisive at these kinds of things because you have different feeling and urgencies that needs to me met to each of them. Sometimes when one is not happy with the arrangement and i have to change to make him or her comfortable and then the other might not be comfortable. In the end, im the one to blamed, im the one getting all messed up, im the one adapting to your taste, to your... whatever. Im always in the middle of things and im always making a sacrifice.

I have a group of friends closest to me, they are a very dynamic group of people, but sometimes somethings just cannot match. Sometimes, somethings are not compatible. Analyse each of them and you know what i mean. Analyse their dislikes and likes, thier interests and disinterest, anaylse thier daily activities and youll soon realized that i have a group of friends who just couldnt match up against another person when we go to outings of hang around some place else. Somebody will always dislike something that he or she likes and vice versa.


Sometimes i feel that i have too much freedom from my parents, i feel that despite what my friends have been through with thier parents, i feel that im the perfect. A perfect family, no conflicts, no financial constraints. Just living a normal healthy lifestyle, but what about the others, restrictions and constraint decreed by thier parents, a broken family, financial contraints all add up to the formula.

For example, going to a movie need money. Well some of my friends just couldnt afford the tickets and need to be informed weeks in advance, so that he or she could save and watch with us. Their are some who loves basketball, i practically loves the sport but never played them, some of my friends has a passion for the sport that they played everyday, morning to evening, untill they injure themselves. Whats more, they cannot be contacted, because they are simply not at home. Whenever i want to tell them about a study group or an outing tomorrow or the day after, i ended up telling them the last minute and they would blame me for telling them during the last minute and in the end, they couldn't go, because they couldnt save enough money. Again, im caught in the middle. i can adapt, to go or not to go, its thier constraints and limitation that ended me being lonely, because im A OK.

Some may ask, if they cant adapt to you and your lifestyle, why dont YOU adapt to them, since you are A OK, you can easily adapt to them, along with their constraints and limitations. You know what, i did, and many times i did, but i just cant! I ended up sacrificing so much that sometimes i ended up wasting my time, sacrificing myself for them, and i ask myself often, is it worth it? like.... being early to an outing, waiting hours on end till they arrive only to give a pathetic excuse sincere or not i dont know! You think im being selfish? guess not, im being lenient towards these petty action and im the one sacrificing myself for all these, for all just to please everyone. If you cant please everyone, why must you dissapoint them? Sometimes i feel that i just cannot bear anymore. The pain of seeing someone dissapoint or not comfortable when you planned an outing with all your heart and soul and only ended up a disastrous outing. That is my biggest fear.

And thus, that is the main reason why i like the song sung by savage garden. I always listen to it everyday, to remind myself that im not alone.


Savage Garden
"Crash and Burn"

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned it's back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild, wild heart

I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relieve and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore


Let me be the one you call
If you jump, I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You're caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel like you can't face they day


Let me be the one you call
If you jump, I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

Because there has always been heartache and pain
And when it's over you'll breathe again
You'll breathe again