WHATS WRONG WITH ME!!!??

WHATS WRONG WITH ME!!!??

This is the second time im writing this exact same journal entry because my computer jammed while i was writing this.
Anyway, im glad that ive chosen this easyjournal service. Alot of improvements has been made and a new subscription services has been provided to people who want to get more from their journal. Im still thinking whether or not to subscribe. The subscription services is quite expensive though...

Back to the real topic that i want to talk about. Its been a long time since i last typed a journal entry. All the past entries has been nothing but song dedications, about me, about my friends whether im angry at them or happy about them or just wishing them well in the future. There are a couple of reasons why i was not writing much this past month. I simply dont have time to do it. All i can do is to have song dedications( which i find it annoying) to reflect about whats happened this past month. It may be very indirect but it means something to me. At least im still thinking about my friends and im not treating my friends like nobody. I have a place in my heart for my friends however close or distant. Friends are the very pillars of our social aspects of life. Without them , we will be like robots, no feeling, no heart. Friends are useful in many ways; physically, mentally, socially, spiritually, and psychologically. But the true meaning of friendship is a rather complex subject with a rather complex answers; an answer that has no definition. Its easy just by hearing the word "friendship" but its difficult to grasp at the meaning. So shallow yet so profound.

In my experience,true friendship involves many things. Trust, responsibility, commitment, hope, understanding, care... you name it and a heart. All this time, ive been hanging out and mingling with my closest friend, but none can come close to me definition of true friendship. That is why i dont have "best friends". I only have very good friends that i can be with and put my trust in them. They help me see a brighter day, they help me bear the burden that ive put on my shoulder, it is they that share my happiness and my misery. But ive yet to find the one true friend that fits my description. Its hard to explain in detail, as ive said that true friendship has no real definition. True friendsip requires experience and many great memories that we can dig in the future.
I cannot say more, since this is the second time im writing this same thing, and its different from the first, because when you are writing for the first time in your heart, you can never recall it again or have that moment when you feel like you want to show your heart to the world. The door opens only briefly.

This talk about friendship brings me to my question. What is wrong with me? What is it that makes soo difficult in finding a simple friend? Not the perfect friend that i wish to have but a simple and trustworthy friend, a friend who can i can trust beyond anybody else. Why is it soo difficult? Is it because we live in a modern world? Is it becuase we are busy with our own lives? Yes, no, maybe?

I really dunno why but there is another question lingering in my mind; are other seeing me as a true friend to them? Or are they as desperate and in the same dilemma as me?
The group of friends that i normally mingle with are fun to be around but i doubt their trust and honesty. There are many occasions whereby we have fun outside, going to theaters, to the mall, to the shopping areas and when im invited to this gathering, i always make sure whether or not im free before saying yes, and when i do said yes, i am actaully making a promise, a pact, a swear, an oath, a treaty that I, Muhammad Jasrie hereby declare that i will be present at the appointed time and place as stated, puntually and without fail under normal circumstances.
Thus far i have been making the promise now and again, but are my friends doing that same thing? Im always the first to arrive at the appointed time and place and im always present whenever im invited to anything. But are my friends doing that? And that is not that, THEY plan i follow but it seems that whenever i plan something or suggested something, an outing for anything it doesnt seemed to be succesful. Im not talking about how it should proceed, im talking about the people present there. You know, im always there first and I have to wait. IT IS I WHO ALWAYS HAVE TO ANTICIPATE THEIR ARRIVAL, RATHER THAN THEM TO ANTICIPATE MY ARRIVAL. What are they? The Queen of England?! It is not fair, simply not fair! My rants can get more worse than this. This is my inner hatred, from the bottom of my heart i dug my deepest hatred that i always fear letting it out.

Whats wrong with me? Am i being too perfect? Do i have anything to hinder this progress of going there punctually? Do i have any excuses for im being late? Most of the time, im always the first i dunno why....

I cannot blame them for being late or making up excuse why they couldnt come to the outing when I was the one PLANNING IT. their excuses can be unexpected at times and sincere so what to do? abandon my principles that i so dearly hold on to ever since i read the book? Or do i make last minute excuses so that i can get my revenge?