paradigm noun [C] FORMAL
a model of something, or a very clear and typical example of something:
Some of these educators are hoping to produce a change in the current cultural paradigm.
paradigm shift noun [C] FORMAL
when the usual and accepted way of doing or thinking about something is changed
These two words are very important to me. It is a constant reminder when dealing with friends. When your perspective and impression of a friend changes, that is paradigm shift. It is when the usual and accepted way of doing of thinking about sonething is changed. It can be a good thing, a tightening of friendship and it also be a bad thing, when the bonds of friendship shatters.
I just experience one such paradigm shift this afternoon. Im glad to see the shift, for if it had been otherwise, id surely lose a friend.
This afternoon i planned to have a study group with some of my friend at burger king. Some couldnt make it, so it was just left me aaron and zadilah. I arrived there at 12 in the afternoon, the designated time to start our group study. As always im the first to arrive, big deal. I started my own self study instead of waiting for them. I did my study and i realized that they were all very late. An hour later , none arrived and im still here waiting for them. At that point i was furious and curious at the same time. Curious because i couldnt contact through thier home and furious because none called me to keep me updated about thier whereabouts and why they were late. So i just kept quiet and continued studying. Just then Zadilah called and told me that she couldnt come. Thats fine with me because she already told me that she may not come for the groupstudy the day before. Aaron however still didnt arrived yet and when i called his home, no one answered.
Half an hour later, extremely furious at aaron, i got up and left the place, did some shopping before i head for home. I did some shopping because i was thinking why he didnt turn up for the group study and not even calling me about it. I was also thinking on how to confront him on monday, what should i say to him, in what tone, angry or just plain shouting and idle threats. Its not normal for him to not attend the group study without telling me. I even came up sort of a speech for aaron and that point on, all in mind was boycotting aaron for a very long time. I was getting sick and tired of playing friendship games here, its not fair for me to suffer at bk with absolutely no idea where the guys are and feeling hopeless, and a loner there. Im like being used as a pawn on a grand chessboard. I feel that its time to have my rights to shout at my friends to wake them up from what they were doing to me! Its really not fair for them to say sorry and live on while i basically have to suffer through the whole journey!
Anyway enough of my ranting, I was doing shopping when my handphone rang. It was aaron, finally he called. I answered feeling disgusted, and he immediately apologise for being late ( like that's gonna help) and explained that he got a street soccer match ( what?! Are you out of your mind!?) and he also said that he has told me about it in advance during class that he might be late because of the street soccer match. I froze. Did he? I remember something about that didnt know that the match was gonna take place on that day and time. He then said that he will be coming for the group study immediately. I told him that im leaving but i didnt shout at him on the phone ( i was in a gift shop duh!) but he insisted.
And so i went back, waiting for him and he finally arrived. I kept quiet, for like 15 minutes and then he told me everything about the soccer match, told me that he notified me about this match in advance already. I then realized my mistake. A paradigm shift. It was not his fault for coming late, It was my fault that i didnt paid attention to him and he told me about it that made me angry. And suddenty my perspective change, my impression about him changed. I no longer felt angry towards him anymore, and that paradigm shift saved our friendship. Had i not been a listener when he was talking on the phone, I would not know the consequences.
Paradigm shift
Sunday, April 27, 2003
Macdonalds
Macdonalds
Today I have nothing much to say, i just wanna tell you one of the many places that i will remember throughout my entire life. It all started at one of the Mac Donalds outlets in Yishun, Chong Pang, in the community club.
One day, after my usual saturday band practice, i was summoned for an urgent committee meeting. Since i was already a treasurer at that time, i was one of the committee. So i was summoned by the teacher in charge and she told me to meet at macdonalds, at the community club on Sunday morning, to my dismay, i had no other choice but to attend the meeting. I knew what the meeting was all about, but i did not know what to expect during the meeting. That meeting was one of my turning points of my life.
I arrived there on time at 8 all the way from woodlands. I was one of the first few to arrive and i thought that maybe i could have some breakfast before the meeting were to begin. So i grab some breakfast. The rest of the members came after 15 minutes and so was the teacher. I finished my breakfast before than and the meeting started.
First it went well, we talked about the band and whats the band's standard and try to resolve some issues that werent so important. After that, we began to discuss about the selection of then new committee for the band. By the way one of my senior was there and soon she handed my the piece of paper nicely folded up and pushed it towards me. I knew what was inside that was SHOCKED to see what is really inside! I unfolded the piece of paper and began scanning through the paper. Inside contained a list of names who had been selected to be a member of the committee. I looked to see who was to be the next Band Major and was shocked and shaken to see the person to be........... me. My stomach churned violently as if someone punched me in my stomach. My heart was pumping wildly as if its gonna come out of my chest. My head throbbed violent upon recieving information from my eyes and deciphering what was it what my eyes were seeing. For the next few minutes, i was speechless. Not a word uttered from then on.
The news was so sudden, as if i could have nearly fainted there. No one told me that i was soon to be the next Band Major. I told myself that this must be a mistake and that their decision is wrong. Me? A Band Major? How could I? What have i proved to them that i could be the next best candidate to take over the job? How could a timid little boy be a succesful candidate in taking over an astounding responsibility? I would be a laughing stock in front of the whole band. " They must be joking" was all in my head all the time during the meeting.
I told the news to my parents and i nearly cried. No... I cried in secrecy, in isolation, behind the shadows for many days. I felt like i wanted to kill myself for being sooo stupid by letting them choose me as a successful candidate.
I was in a daze, and if im not wrong i was sick during one of those periods. I tend to get ill if there is a sudden surge of pressure and stress from a source at such a short time span. I did not know what to do, sleeplessness, restlessness, dreaming all day long was what i did when i recieved the shocking news.
Its been months now and still coping with the life of a Band Major. Although the term is only one year, its THE one year that completely transformed my life forever. Its hard to be a band major. You feel tired, fatigued, you have no sense of freedom around you. Everyday, its a constant struggle for me and everyday, time catches with me. Im always against time because my job is very demanding and requires excellent sense of urgency when doing a duty and an excellent sense of time. Im already sec 4 and its only been like months since i left primary school. In another few months, or in relativity, a few days, i would have graduated from this school. Life is soo fast for me. Too fast for me to cope. The passing of time has lead me to the inability to reflect my life, to reflect myself on what i have done today, yesterday, last week, or last month. There is no time for this and everytime i find time to reflect, its no use for it is already obsolete and we have to move on.
Sometimes i wonder if the things that i do in life this past months since i became a band major has been right for me, my friends or for the band. As i said i dont have time to reflect on this things and i always fear people's opinion and im being sensitive to sarcasm and criticism. No one understands or how one feels to be a band major when he or she criticise and make sarcastic remarks about me. When someone calls me "Band Major" when i did something wrong, or something childish or something stupid, i feel like a bat has hit my face. It pains me to hear that.
The most powerful words, FEAR, HOPELESSNESS, TIRESOME, PRESSURE, STRESS, DEMANDING,
Today I have nothing much to say, i just wanna tell you one of the many places that i will remember throughout my entire life. It all started at one of the Mac Donalds outlets in Yishun, Chong Pang, in the community club.
One day, after my usual saturday band practice, i was summoned for an urgent committee meeting. Since i was already a treasurer at that time, i was one of the committee. So i was summoned by the teacher in charge and she told me to meet at macdonalds, at the community club on Sunday morning, to my dismay, i had no other choice but to attend the meeting. I knew what the meeting was all about, but i did not know what to expect during the meeting. That meeting was one of my turning points of my life.
I arrived there on time at 8 all the way from woodlands. I was one of the first few to arrive and i thought that maybe i could have some breakfast before the meeting were to begin. So i grab some breakfast. The rest of the members came after 15 minutes and so was the teacher. I finished my breakfast before than and the meeting started.
First it went well, we talked about the band and whats the band's standard and try to resolve some issues that werent so important. After that, we began to discuss about the selection of then new committee for the band. By the way one of my senior was there and soon she handed my the piece of paper nicely folded up and pushed it towards me. I knew what was inside that was SHOCKED to see what is really inside! I unfolded the piece of paper and began scanning through the paper. Inside contained a list of names who had been selected to be a member of the committee. I looked to see who was to be the next Band Major and was shocked and shaken to see the person to be........... me. My stomach churned violently as if someone punched me in my stomach. My heart was pumping wildly as if its gonna come out of my chest. My head throbbed violent upon recieving information from my eyes and deciphering what was it what my eyes were seeing. For the next few minutes, i was speechless. Not a word uttered from then on.
The news was so sudden, as if i could have nearly fainted there. No one told me that i was soon to be the next Band Major. I told myself that this must be a mistake and that their decision is wrong. Me? A Band Major? How could I? What have i proved to them that i could be the next best candidate to take over the job? How could a timid little boy be a succesful candidate in taking over an astounding responsibility? I would be a laughing stock in front of the whole band. " They must be joking" was all in my head all the time during the meeting.
I told the news to my parents and i nearly cried. No... I cried in secrecy, in isolation, behind the shadows for many days. I felt like i wanted to kill myself for being sooo stupid by letting them choose me as a successful candidate.
I was in a daze, and if im not wrong i was sick during one of those periods. I tend to get ill if there is a sudden surge of pressure and stress from a source at such a short time span. I did not know what to do, sleeplessness, restlessness, dreaming all day long was what i did when i recieved the shocking news.
Its been months now and still coping with the life of a Band Major. Although the term is only one year, its THE one year that completely transformed my life forever. Its hard to be a band major. You feel tired, fatigued, you have no sense of freedom around you. Everyday, its a constant struggle for me and everyday, time catches with me. Im always against time because my job is very demanding and requires excellent sense of urgency when doing a duty and an excellent sense of time. Im already sec 4 and its only been like months since i left primary school. In another few months, or in relativity, a few days, i would have graduated from this school. Life is soo fast for me. Too fast for me to cope. The passing of time has lead me to the inability to reflect my life, to reflect myself on what i have done today, yesterday, last week, or last month. There is no time for this and everytime i find time to reflect, its no use for it is already obsolete and we have to move on.
Sometimes i wonder if the things that i do in life this past months since i became a band major has been right for me, my friends or for the band. As i said i dont have time to reflect on this things and i always fear people's opinion and im being sensitive to sarcasm and criticism. No one understands or how one feels to be a band major when he or she criticise and make sarcastic remarks about me. When someone calls me "Band Major" when i did something wrong, or something childish or something stupid, i feel like a bat has hit my face. It pains me to hear that.
The most powerful words, FEAR, HOPELESSNESS, TIRESOME, PRESSURE, STRESS, DEMANDING,
Thursday, April 24, 2003
What a day!
Its 10 o'clock and ive just finished my stupid Accounts homework. Ah screw the homework. You know, ive never been sooo tired that even my emotions are are all messed up. I just dont feel anything. Its like youre half angry at yourself and you the other half feeling normal. Its like youre in the middle of nowhere. Im listening to Linkin Park Reanimation DVD audio version and even that cant even lighten my mood. I feel like a loser today.... today ive failedn tomorrow i shall succeed and see the day brightens before my very eyes. Im confident of tomorrow, for it is soo unpredictable and therefore you can think of sooo many wonderful things that you can do with anybody you are with. Live today for tomorrow's a dream. I came back from school at around 6.30 and now its almost bedtime......... how i wish a day has more than 24 hours..... or we dont have to sleep at all and we can use all the extra time of sleeping doing something eles instead. I wanna make this entry a very general one, nothing in particular that i want to talk about today for i have no interest in talking about what had happened today. Its just not worth my time typing it all down.
Saturday, April 19, 2003
Time to review my Mission Statement
Time to review my Mission Statement
1. Be hardworking.
2. Do not judge a book by its cover.
3. Be proactive.
4. Be principle-centered, the best way to get through your life.
5. Set reachable goals.
6. Never take the simple things in life for granted. Do no neglect your friends and love ones.
7. Appreciate other people's differences and see their differences as a great advantage.
8. Go for every opportunity.
9. Do something different everyday no matter how small the action is.
10. Be independent. Relying on your friends all the time just sucks! Trust me.
11. Don't be afraid. Just do it. Don't turn your back for reward is near.
12. Treat every setback as a road to success and greater opportunity.
13. Use momentous moments to reach your goals.
14. Think win-win, for I am a grape.
15. Be a Prioritizer, not a Procrastinator, Yes-man or Slacker.
16. Plan ahead, ba balance. Don't stress out.
17. Seek first to understand then to be understood.
18. Accept challenges. Take risk.
19. Take time to renew yourself, your body, your soul, you relationship.
20. Be a role model in whatever you are at.
21. Your greatest fear can be your best friend if you know them well.
22. Don't worry.
23. Be yourself, reject negative peer pressure.
I think its important to review ones mission statement, so that one will not sway from what he is right now. A mission statement can be a very powerful tool if you utilise them well.
1. Be hardworking.
2. Do not judge a book by its cover.
3. Be proactive.
4. Be principle-centered, the best way to get through your life.
5. Set reachable goals.
6. Never take the simple things in life for granted. Do no neglect your friends and love ones.
7. Appreciate other people's differences and see their differences as a great advantage.
8. Go for every opportunity.
9. Do something different everyday no matter how small the action is.
10. Be independent. Relying on your friends all the time just sucks! Trust me.
11. Don't be afraid. Just do it. Don't turn your back for reward is near.
12. Treat every setback as a road to success and greater opportunity.
13. Use momentous moments to reach your goals.
14. Think win-win, for I am a grape.
15. Be a Prioritizer, not a Procrastinator, Yes-man or Slacker.
16. Plan ahead, ba balance. Don't stress out.
17. Seek first to understand then to be understood.
18. Accept challenges. Take risk.
19. Take time to renew yourself, your body, your soul, you relationship.
20. Be a role model in whatever you are at.
21. Your greatest fear can be your best friend if you know them well.
22. Don't worry.
23. Be yourself, reject negative peer pressure.
I think its important to review ones mission statement, so that one will not sway from what he is right now. A mission statement can be a very powerful tool if you utilise them well.
Friday, April 18, 2003
WHATS WRONG WITH ME!!!??
WHATS WRONG WITH ME!!!??
This is the second time im writing this exact same journal entry because my computer jammed while i was writing this.
Anyway, im glad that ive chosen this easyjournal service. Alot of improvements has been made and a new subscription services has been provided to people who want to get more from their journal. Im still thinking whether or not to subscribe. The subscription services is quite expensive though...
Back to the real topic that i want to talk about. Its been a long time since i last typed a journal entry. All the past entries has been nothing but song dedications, about me, about my friends whether im angry at them or happy about them or just wishing them well in the future. There are a couple of reasons why i was not writing much this past month. I simply dont have time to do it. All i can do is to have song dedications( which i find it annoying) to reflect about whats happened this past month. It may be very indirect but it means something to me. At least im still thinking about my friends and im not treating my friends like nobody. I have a place in my heart for my friends however close or distant. Friends are the very pillars of our social aspects of life. Without them , we will be like robots, no feeling, no heart. Friends are useful in many ways; physically, mentally, socially, spiritually, and psychologically. But the true meaning of friendship is a rather complex subject with a rather complex answers; an answer that has no definition. Its easy just by hearing the word "friendship" but its difficult to grasp at the meaning. So shallow yet so profound.
In my experience,true friendship involves many things. Trust, responsibility, commitment, hope, understanding, care... you name it and a heart. All this time, ive been hanging out and mingling with my closest friend, but none can come close to me definition of true friendship. That is why i dont have "best friends". I only have very good friends that i can be with and put my trust in them. They help me see a brighter day, they help me bear the burden that ive put on my shoulder, it is they that share my happiness and my misery. But ive yet to find the one true friend that fits my description. Its hard to explain in detail, as ive said that true friendship has no real definition. True friendsip requires experience and many great memories that we can dig in the future.
I cannot say more, since this is the second time im writing this same thing, and its different from the first, because when you are writing for the first time in your heart, you can never recall it again or have that moment when you feel like you want to show your heart to the world. The door opens only briefly.
This talk about friendship brings me to my question. What is wrong with me? What is it that makes soo difficult in finding a simple friend? Not the perfect friend that i wish to have but a simple and trustworthy friend, a friend who can i can trust beyond anybody else. Why is it soo difficult? Is it because we live in a modern world? Is it becuase we are busy with our own lives? Yes, no, maybe?
I really dunno why but there is another question lingering in my mind; are other seeing me as a true friend to them? Or are they as desperate and in the same dilemma as me?
The group of friends that i normally mingle with are fun to be around but i doubt their trust and honesty. There are many occasions whereby we have fun outside, going to theaters, to the mall, to the shopping areas and when im invited to this gathering, i always make sure whether or not im free before saying yes, and when i do said yes, i am actaully making a promise, a pact, a swear, an oath, a treaty that I, Muhammad Jasrie hereby declare that i will be present at the appointed time and place as stated, puntually and without fail under normal circumstances.
Thus far i have been making the promise now and again, but are my friends doing that same thing? Im always the first to arrive at the appointed time and place and im always present whenever im invited to anything. But are my friends doing that? And that is not that, THEY plan i follow but it seems that whenever i plan something or suggested something, an outing for anything it doesnt seemed to be succesful. Im not talking about how it should proceed, im talking about the people present there. You know, im always there first and I have to wait. IT IS I WHO ALWAYS HAVE TO ANTICIPATE THEIR ARRIVAL, RATHER THAN THEM TO ANTICIPATE MY ARRIVAL. What are they? The Queen of England?! It is not fair, simply not fair! My rants can get more worse than this. This is my inner hatred, from the bottom of my heart i dug my deepest hatred that i always fear letting it out.
Whats wrong with me? Am i being too perfect? Do i have anything to hinder this progress of going there punctually? Do i have any excuses for im being late? Most of the time, im always the first i dunno why....
I cannot blame them for being late or making up excuse why they couldnt come to the outing when I was the one PLANNING IT. their excuses can be unexpected at times and sincere so what to do? abandon my principles that i so dearly hold on to ever since i read the book? Or do i make last minute excuses so that i can get my revenge?
This is the second time im writing this exact same journal entry because my computer jammed while i was writing this.
Anyway, im glad that ive chosen this easyjournal service. Alot of improvements has been made and a new subscription services has been provided to people who want to get more from their journal. Im still thinking whether or not to subscribe. The subscription services is quite expensive though...
Back to the real topic that i want to talk about. Its been a long time since i last typed a journal entry. All the past entries has been nothing but song dedications, about me, about my friends whether im angry at them or happy about them or just wishing them well in the future. There are a couple of reasons why i was not writing much this past month. I simply dont have time to do it. All i can do is to have song dedications( which i find it annoying) to reflect about whats happened this past month. It may be very indirect but it means something to me. At least im still thinking about my friends and im not treating my friends like nobody. I have a place in my heart for my friends however close or distant. Friends are the very pillars of our social aspects of life. Without them , we will be like robots, no feeling, no heart. Friends are useful in many ways; physically, mentally, socially, spiritually, and psychologically. But the true meaning of friendship is a rather complex subject with a rather complex answers; an answer that has no definition. Its easy just by hearing the word "friendship" but its difficult to grasp at the meaning. So shallow yet so profound.
In my experience,true friendship involves many things. Trust, responsibility, commitment, hope, understanding, care... you name it and a heart. All this time, ive been hanging out and mingling with my closest friend, but none can come close to me definition of true friendship. That is why i dont have "best friends". I only have very good friends that i can be with and put my trust in them. They help me see a brighter day, they help me bear the burden that ive put on my shoulder, it is they that share my happiness and my misery. But ive yet to find the one true friend that fits my description. Its hard to explain in detail, as ive said that true friendship has no real definition. True friendsip requires experience and many great memories that we can dig in the future.
I cannot say more, since this is the second time im writing this same thing, and its different from the first, because when you are writing for the first time in your heart, you can never recall it again or have that moment when you feel like you want to show your heart to the world. The door opens only briefly.
This talk about friendship brings me to my question. What is wrong with me? What is it that makes soo difficult in finding a simple friend? Not the perfect friend that i wish to have but a simple and trustworthy friend, a friend who can i can trust beyond anybody else. Why is it soo difficult? Is it because we live in a modern world? Is it becuase we are busy with our own lives? Yes, no, maybe?
I really dunno why but there is another question lingering in my mind; are other seeing me as a true friend to them? Or are they as desperate and in the same dilemma as me?
The group of friends that i normally mingle with are fun to be around but i doubt their trust and honesty. There are many occasions whereby we have fun outside, going to theaters, to the mall, to the shopping areas and when im invited to this gathering, i always make sure whether or not im free before saying yes, and when i do said yes, i am actaully making a promise, a pact, a swear, an oath, a treaty that I, Muhammad Jasrie hereby declare that i will be present at the appointed time and place as stated, puntually and without fail under normal circumstances.
Thus far i have been making the promise now and again, but are my friends doing that same thing? Im always the first to arrive at the appointed time and place and im always present whenever im invited to anything. But are my friends doing that? And that is not that, THEY plan i follow but it seems that whenever i plan something or suggested something, an outing for anything it doesnt seemed to be succesful. Im not talking about how it should proceed, im talking about the people present there. You know, im always there first and I have to wait. IT IS I WHO ALWAYS HAVE TO ANTICIPATE THEIR ARRIVAL, RATHER THAN THEM TO ANTICIPATE MY ARRIVAL. What are they? The Queen of England?! It is not fair, simply not fair! My rants can get more worse than this. This is my inner hatred, from the bottom of my heart i dug my deepest hatred that i always fear letting it out.
Whats wrong with me? Am i being too perfect? Do i have anything to hinder this progress of going there punctually? Do i have any excuses for im being late? Most of the time, im always the first i dunno why....
I cannot blame them for being late or making up excuse why they couldnt come to the outing when I was the one PLANNING IT. their excuses can be unexpected at times and sincere so what to do? abandon my principles that i so dearly hold on to ever since i read the book? Or do i make last minute excuses so that i can get my revenge?
Tuesday, April 15, 2003
Song Dedication to all my friends
Today nothin much to say, i just wanted to dedicate this meaningful song to all my wonderful friends out there.... here and abroad and a sweet little girl, Jamie whom i chatted with yesterday. Indeed its been a great time chatting with you!
Savage Garden
"Crash and Burn"
When you feel all alone
And the world has turned it's back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild, wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relieve and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore
Let me be the one you call
If you jump, I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone
When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You're caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel like you can't face they day
Let me be the one you call
If you jump, I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone
Because there has always been heartache and pain
And when it's over you'll breathe again
You'll breathe again
Savage Garden
"Crash and Burn"
When you feel all alone
And the world has turned it's back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild, wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relieve and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore
Let me be the one you call
If you jump, I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone
When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You're caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel like you can't face they day
Let me be the one you call
If you jump, I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone
Because there has always been heartache and pain
And when it's over you'll breathe again
You'll breathe again
Monday, March 24, 2003
A song Dedication for a special friend of mine in my heart
The Calling
"For You"
I am a vision, I am justice
Never thought that I could love
Living in shadows, faded existence
It was never good enough
Within the darkness, you were the light
That shines away
You're trapped in violence, I can be the man
That saves the day
I'm there for you
No matter what
I'm there for you
Never giving up
I'm there for you
For you
Someone has changed me, something saved me
Now this is who I am
Although I was blinded, my heart let me find that
Truth makes a better man
I didn't notice that you were right in front of me
A mask of silence, we'll put away so we can see
I'm there for you
No matter what
I'm there for you
Never giving up
I'm there for you
For you
For you
Within the darkness, you are the light
That shines away
In this blind justice, I can be the man
That saves the day
I'm there for you
No matter what
I'm there for you
Never giving up
You know it's true
You were there for me
And I'm there for you
For you
For you
For you
"For You"
I am a vision, I am justice
Never thought that I could love
Living in shadows, faded existence
It was never good enough
Within the darkness, you were the light
That shines away
You're trapped in violence, I can be the man
That saves the day
I'm there for you
No matter what
I'm there for you
Never giving up
I'm there for you
For you
Someone has changed me, something saved me
Now this is who I am
Although I was blinded, my heart let me find that
Truth makes a better man
I didn't notice that you were right in front of me
A mask of silence, we'll put away so we can see
I'm there for you
No matter what
I'm there for you
Never giving up
I'm there for you
For you
For you
Within the darkness, you are the light
That shines away
In this blind justice, I can be the man
That saves the day
I'm there for you
No matter what
I'm there for you
Never giving up
You know it's true
You were there for me
And I'm there for you
For you
For you
For you
Monday, February 24, 2003
Im back!!
After soo long not updating this journal, im back again.
Sorry about that, i just dont have the time to update this journal, with soo many going on around me..... school, cca, friends, so many things that i just couldnt keep up with time and contemplate and do some serious reflection.
Anyway... a brief description of whats happening around me.....
School is stressful( no wonder government spends billions on education ) and ive been basically staying back in school till 6 almost everyday! With Singapore Youth festivals coming around the corner, i have no choice but to practice and do my best for the competition. As Band Major, i must set an example and must always serve the band and the members. Thus far, ive been in this post long enough, but ive been contemplating and reflecting...... am i a good Band Major? Have I done my part in contributing to the band? Have I done enough? What will happen during SYF? Are we gonna get a bronze and condemn my life in Northland forever? Questions....... questions that needs answering, yet im unable to see it. How ironic.
I also have remedials everyday coz im doing my 'O' Levels this year and must do my best to aim going to a JC but my target is a Polytechnic. I want to take education life step by step and i want to study overseas and have lots of other great friends from other countries, bring back great experiences and joyous moments while i was there. Life is indeed wonderful. When youre chewing on life's gristles, always look on the bright side of life.
I think my main motivation in doing well is to be able to get the Oakley glasses that i always wanted : Juliet®. Its soo sleek and worn by the X-men, Cyclops. ITS SOOOO COOL. Check it out at www.oakley.com
It cost sooo much, i think about 600++ bucks here in singapore. MUST HAVE IT!! IM OBSESSED BY IT !!!
Raf hadnt been doing too good. I dont want to say anymore.
Sorry about that, i just dont have the time to update this journal, with soo many going on around me..... school, cca, friends, so many things that i just couldnt keep up with time and contemplate and do some serious reflection.
Anyway... a brief description of whats happening around me.....
School is stressful( no wonder government spends billions on education ) and ive been basically staying back in school till 6 almost everyday! With Singapore Youth festivals coming around the corner, i have no choice but to practice and do my best for the competition. As Band Major, i must set an example and must always serve the band and the members. Thus far, ive been in this post long enough, but ive been contemplating and reflecting...... am i a good Band Major? Have I done my part in contributing to the band? Have I done enough? What will happen during SYF? Are we gonna get a bronze and condemn my life in Northland forever? Questions....... questions that needs answering, yet im unable to see it. How ironic.
I also have remedials everyday coz im doing my 'O' Levels this year and must do my best to aim going to a JC but my target is a Polytechnic. I want to take education life step by step and i want to study overseas and have lots of other great friends from other countries, bring back great experiences and joyous moments while i was there. Life is indeed wonderful. When youre chewing on life's gristles, always look on the bright side of life.
I think my main motivation in doing well is to be able to get the Oakley glasses that i always wanted : Juliet®. Its soo sleek and worn by the X-men, Cyclops. ITS SOOOO COOL. Check it out at www.oakley.com
It cost sooo much, i think about 600++ bucks here in singapore. MUST HAVE IT!! IM OBSESSED BY IT !!!
Raf hadnt been doing too good. I dont want to say anymore.
Tuesday, January 14, 2003
Song Dedication 'Simon' by lifehouse
Song Dedication 'Simon' by lifehouse
Catch your breath hit the wall scream out loud as you start to crawl back in
Your cage the only place where they will leave you alone 'cause the weak will
Seek the weaker until they've broken them could you get it back again
Would it be the same fulfillment to their lack of strength
At your expense left you with no defense they tore it down and i have
Felt the same as you, I've felt the same as you, I've felt the same
Locked inside the only place where you feel sheltered where you feel safe
You lost yourself in your search to find something else to hide behind
The fearful always preyed upon your confidence
Did they see the consequence when they pushed you around
The arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones
Breaking them 'til they've become just another crown
Refuse to feel, Anything at all refuse to slip, Refuse to
Fall can't be weak, Can't stand still you watch your back,
'Cause no one will you don't know why they had to go
This far traded your worth for these scars for your only
Company don't believe the lies that they told to you
Not one word was true you're alright, You're alright,
You're alright
Catch your breath hit the wall scream out loud as you start to crawl back in
Your cage the only place where they will leave you alone 'cause the weak will
Seek the weaker until they've broken them could you get it back again
Would it be the same fulfillment to their lack of strength
At your expense left you with no defense they tore it down and i have
Felt the same as you, I've felt the same as you, I've felt the same
Locked inside the only place where you feel sheltered where you feel safe
You lost yourself in your search to find something else to hide behind
The fearful always preyed upon your confidence
Did they see the consequence when they pushed you around
The arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones
Breaking them 'til they've become just another crown
Refuse to feel, Anything at all refuse to slip, Refuse to
Fall can't be weak, Can't stand still you watch your back,
'Cause no one will you don't know why they had to go
This far traded your worth for these scars for your only
Company don't believe the lies that they told to you
Not one word was true you're alright, You're alright,
You're alright
Wednesday, December 25, 2002
School is Reopening...... A long story about myself
School is Reopening...... A long story about myself
In a week, a new year will begin and a new school year will start. New principal, new teachers, new classroom, new layout of the school and many more.More challenges, as an individual, as a class, as a school. Activities and events happening in school will repeat again. Total Defence Day, Teacher's Day, Youth Day, Chinese New Year, Crosscountry, Speech Day, Prefects Investiture and Singapore Youth Festival.
To a student's point of view, the last year that he or she will be studying in the school is often dealt with the most toughest challenge... The 'O' Levels. Its coming and its coming fast. No time to play and little time to relax and contemplate. No turning back now. High hopes and expectations has been set for this year's batch of students, my batch, the least number of Express students in the school. Every student is important. A failure in the cohort can mean a drop in a 1 to 2 percent in academic results achievement as a school. This is a heavy burden the teachers, the school and the students have to bear. I dunno what lies ahead. Whether it is grim or glorious, no one will know. Many things can change and will change. We must adapt to it. The school is transforming. For the past 3 years, we changed principals 3 times. That is a disturbing thought. It means that we need to change ourselves to adapt to the new principal's way to management and expectations. Friendships made, friendships broken. It doesnt matter, for we will go on to our seperate ways in the future. But the one principal that i will always hold on dearly no matter what... friends never say goodbye. Ive made neither my resolutions for year 2003 yet, nor my goals or mission statement. Its overdue. I have no time actually. Ill try to find time for myself and review my mission statements, the most important thing that i must do. It is a reflection of yourself, what youll do for the year, what are you goals and task that you must achieve for the new year no matter how small or how big. Achieving a goal is no simple task. Many things will hinder you. I myself had been through a very tough part of my life. 2 years ago, and from now to the end of my secondary school life. I think that everyone is going through their most difficult and toughest part of their life on their final year of secondary school, but i feel that im the one suffering more than the others. Many people have too much and too high expections of me. I fear that i cant achieve their expectations and the fear is growing everyday. Whenever i find time to contemplate, its difficult for me to find and remember the joyous occasions that i had with my friends and family. Also if my friends has a certain expectation that they want from me, i cant see it. What are their expectations as a friend, a companion, a helper? What will they think of me if i dont meet their expectation? Ive not recieved any remarks or rumours about my behaviour or attitude or anything about me (not that im bad or anything). And i always assume that the way i reacted to things and behave towards people and things is correct, but its a disturbing thought because you dont have a mirror in front of you ,telling you what is right and what is wrong.Im a non violent person, cheerful, always love to hang out with my friends, avoid confrontations, and sort of a 'yes-man', "anything-will-do" kind of person.
i dont resort to violence and revenge. Im the forgiven type of person. But the things i do, the job that im taking, as a band major, is against my nature! Man, im crying while im typing!! I cant believe this! This has never happened to me before!
I have a lot to say but i cant continue....
In a week, a new year will begin and a new school year will start. New principal, new teachers, new classroom, new layout of the school and many more.More challenges, as an individual, as a class, as a school. Activities and events happening in school will repeat again. Total Defence Day, Teacher's Day, Youth Day, Chinese New Year, Crosscountry, Speech Day, Prefects Investiture and Singapore Youth Festival.
To a student's point of view, the last year that he or she will be studying in the school is often dealt with the most toughest challenge... The 'O' Levels. Its coming and its coming fast. No time to play and little time to relax and contemplate. No turning back now. High hopes and expectations has been set for this year's batch of students, my batch, the least number of Express students in the school. Every student is important. A failure in the cohort can mean a drop in a 1 to 2 percent in academic results achievement as a school. This is a heavy burden the teachers, the school and the students have to bear. I dunno what lies ahead. Whether it is grim or glorious, no one will know. Many things can change and will change. We must adapt to it. The school is transforming. For the past 3 years, we changed principals 3 times. That is a disturbing thought. It means that we need to change ourselves to adapt to the new principal's way to management and expectations. Friendships made, friendships broken. It doesnt matter, for we will go on to our seperate ways in the future. But the one principal that i will always hold on dearly no matter what... friends never say goodbye. Ive made neither my resolutions for year 2003 yet, nor my goals or mission statement. Its overdue. I have no time actually. Ill try to find time for myself and review my mission statements, the most important thing that i must do. It is a reflection of yourself, what youll do for the year, what are you goals and task that you must achieve for the new year no matter how small or how big. Achieving a goal is no simple task. Many things will hinder you. I myself had been through a very tough part of my life. 2 years ago, and from now to the end of my secondary school life. I think that everyone is going through their most difficult and toughest part of their life on their final year of secondary school, but i feel that im the one suffering more than the others. Many people have too much and too high expections of me. I fear that i cant achieve their expectations and the fear is growing everyday. Whenever i find time to contemplate, its difficult for me to find and remember the joyous occasions that i had with my friends and family. Also if my friends has a certain expectation that they want from me, i cant see it. What are their expectations as a friend, a companion, a helper? What will they think of me if i dont meet their expectation? Ive not recieved any remarks or rumours about my behaviour or attitude or anything about me (not that im bad or anything). And i always assume that the way i reacted to things and behave towards people and things is correct, but its a disturbing thought because you dont have a mirror in front of you ,telling you what is right and what is wrong.Im a non violent person, cheerful, always love to hang out with my friends, avoid confrontations, and sort of a 'yes-man', "anything-will-do" kind of person.
i dont resort to violence and revenge. Im the forgiven type of person. But the things i do, the job that im taking, as a band major, is against my nature! Man, im crying while im typing!! I cant believe this! This has never happened to me before!
I have a lot to say but i cant continue....
Tuesday, December 17, 2002
One month later... almost...
A summary of whats going on in my life this past month:
Band Exchange and Honor band concert:
On the 30th of October, my Band had a band exchange with 2 other school and an honor band concert, which is basically picking out the best players from the 3 schools, combine them together and play music together in the concert. The concert was a full house and it was a great experience and we did very well overall. I am proud of my band and myself as i had never before explore beyond my learning capabilites in the aspects of music making.
Hari Raya Aidilfitri:
The fasting was over and i get to eat and crave to foods which i had not eaten for the past month and we also celebrate the joyous occasion with my friends and family and get to visit each other's houses and collect green packets.
Holiday bored as usual:
Nothing to do and bored as hell. Im not depressed though and thats a good thing. Some people are so bored at home that they do stupid and odd stuff but fortunately i can keep my sane long enough..
No time to write must hurry!!
Band Exchange and Honor band concert:
On the 30th of October, my Band had a band exchange with 2 other school and an honor band concert, which is basically picking out the best players from the 3 schools, combine them together and play music together in the concert. The concert was a full house and it was a great experience and we did very well overall. I am proud of my band and myself as i had never before explore beyond my learning capabilites in the aspects of music making.
Hari Raya Aidilfitri:
The fasting was over and i get to eat and crave to foods which i had not eaten for the past month and we also celebrate the joyous occasion with my friends and family and get to visit each other's houses and collect green packets.
Holiday bored as usual:
Nothing to do and bored as hell. Im not depressed though and thats a good thing. Some people are so bored at home that they do stupid and odd stuff but fortunately i can keep my sane long enough..
No time to write must hurry!!
Tuesday, November 26, 2002
Crash and Burn
This song is dedicated to my friends, and everybody who is reading this journal entry. To those who are lonely, bored, or doesnt have any loyal friends to be with you when you need them most, do not despair...
Artist: Savage Garden
Album: Affirmation
Song: Crash And Burn
When you feel alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart
I know that you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take it anymore
Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone
When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You're caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel you can't face the day
Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone
Because there has always been heartache and pain
And when it's over you'll breathe again
You'll breathe again
When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild wild heart
Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone
Artist: Savage Garden
Album: Affirmation
Song: Crash And Burn
When you feel alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart
I know that you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take it anymore
Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone
When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You're caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel you can't face the day
Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone
Because there has always been heartache and pain
And when it's over you'll breathe again
You'll breathe again
When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild wild heart
Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone
Friday, November 22, 2002
Graduation song
I know its too early to post this song and dedicate this to my friends, but i couldnt wait to the day it arrives, so i just paste it anyway:
Graduation (friends forever)
And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives
Where we're gonna be when we turn 25
I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same
But when we leave this year we won't be coming back
No more hanging out cause we're on a different track
And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now cause you don't have another day
Cause we're moving on & we can't slow down
These memories are playing like a film without sound
And I keep thinking of that night in June
I didn't know much of love, but it came too soon
And there was me & you, & then we got real blue
Stay at home, talking on the telephone
We'd get so excited, we'd get so scared
Laughing at ourselves, thinking life's not fair
And this is how it feels...
As we go on, we remember
All the times we had together
And as our lives change, come whatever
We will still be friends forever
So if we get the big jobs & we make the big money
When we look back now, will our jokes still be funny?
Will we still remember everything we learned in school?
Still be trying to break every single rule?
Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?
Can Heather find a job that won't interfere with her tan?
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
And this is how it feels...
As we go on, we remember
All the times we had together
And as our lives change, come whatever
We will still be friends forever
La, la, la, la
Yeah, yeah, yeah
La, la, la, la
We will still be friends forever
Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there? Can we make it somehow?
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it's like we're women & men
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town?
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
Graduation (friends forever)
And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives
Where we're gonna be when we turn 25
I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same
But when we leave this year we won't be coming back
No more hanging out cause we're on a different track
And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now cause you don't have another day
Cause we're moving on & we can't slow down
These memories are playing like a film without sound
And I keep thinking of that night in June
I didn't know much of love, but it came too soon
And there was me & you, & then we got real blue
Stay at home, talking on the telephone
We'd get so excited, we'd get so scared
Laughing at ourselves, thinking life's not fair
And this is how it feels...
As we go on, we remember
All the times we had together
And as our lives change, come whatever
We will still be friends forever
So if we get the big jobs & we make the big money
When we look back now, will our jokes still be funny?
Will we still remember everything we learned in school?
Still be trying to break every single rule?
Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?
Can Heather find a job that won't interfere with her tan?
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
And this is how it feels...
As we go on, we remember
All the times we had together
And as our lives change, come whatever
We will still be friends forever
La, la, la, la
Yeah, yeah, yeah
La, la, la, la
We will still be friends forever
Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there? Can we make it somehow?
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it's like we're women & men
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town?
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
Monday, November 18, 2002
Why why why?
Why why why?
Here I am, sitting at Macdonalds Restaurant, writing my entry on paper. Its gonna be a long entry full of rantings and negative thoughts of what had happened to me recently. The reason why i wrote this entry in a restaurant is because im bored at home. Hopefully i can meet some of my friends, new and old passing by the busy corridor as i look through the glass panel. Its 2 in the afternoon and it gets pretty crowded during lunchtime.
The last few days had been stressful, negative and terrible to experience. Not only in band but the teachers and friends. Its the holdiay season but i'm still getting all these things. Dont they know what does the word holiday season mean? It means that we get to relax and hangout with friends, away from school as much as possible. Still im going back to school 3 days a week for band. What have i done to deserve this? Why am i getting these treatments? Why am i getting negative feelings? Why am i feeling hopeless? Why am i getting frustrated? Are my principles that i have hold on to for sooo long finally begining to abandon me? Have i change my attitude that drastically? Have I change alot, or is it the environment that im in? Are my choice of friends the right ones? Am i a good leader? So many questions, soo little time, soo little opinions, soo little help.
In band: My-teacher-in-charge will be leaving next month and soon the band will have a new teacher in charge. Again, I have to adapt and make necessary changes to suit the environment. Its barely a year and again i have to make changes and adapt. My present teacher in charge is not very happy with me. For no good reason, she just overreact and shouts at me in front of the whole band. What i think is right for the band is wrong to her. I cant seem to take initiatives on my own without the intervention of the teacher. It seems that i have led my teacher down and also the band down because i have not been a very good leader. Never in my life i oppose a teacher. Throughout my life in school, i always thought that the teachers are saviors who always make the right decisions but now, i just couldnt take it anymore and feel like shouting back at her but im afraid to do it.
She is a stuck up bitch. She even dared ask me whether i was mad at her when she shouted and overreacted at me the day before. argh!!!!!! She is doing injustice to me. Im in a dilemma right now. Being a leader is extremely hard and i dont think i am a natural born leader. Its hard to accept that you are a leader when you have led your teachers and members down many times.
I feel that im not a really good leader and that the teachers and peers have made a wrong choice. Im just too emotional and often take criticism too personally. These negative emotions are really compromising my dignity and principles which i have held up high for the past year. Being happy, proactive towards everything, make many friends, patience, endurance, commitment and working hard as reward is near. These are some of the priciples ive upheld. Now, it dont know whether im principle centered anymore.
This is a story about how a book changed my life:
Exactly one year ago, when i got my end-of-year-results, in Sec 2, my dreams were shattered when i realised that i couldnt get to a better class, triple science, double math. Although i was second in class position, i still couldnt get in because of my math, i failed my math badly. This result in going to another worthless class, with worthless students, worthless subjects, and a worthless future. That was what i thought at first. Some of my friends dont deserve to be in the first class, and some even failed their english but still manage to get in!! Some of my best friends whom i helped them alot in many ways, got in the better class, leaving me with nothing. From that point on, vengeance, hate, jealousy, frustrations, hopelessness and anger sets in. And i indulge into these emotions throughout the holidays. During the holidays, i felt frustrated and hopeless all the time. I rejected good friends' invitation to hangout with them coz they are enjoying it since they are all in the better class, so why should i hangout with them?(vengeance and hatred) I stayed home and did some serious pondering and reflection on myself and quite some reading too. My social life and social interation was a flat zero back then.
Then one day, i went to Kinokuniya and was browsing some self help books on the shelf and came across this book entitled "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens"
I read a few pages and found out that this book will help a teenager change his attitude and become a better teen. It was such an expensive book since it was a bestseller but i bought it and began reading hoping that it could change my life.
2 weeks later, upon finished reading the book, I realized that this book has a lot of life lessons to learn. Its also very updated because the author knows how teenagers are faced with difficult challengers in the modern world nowadays. The book teaches you how to manage time and stress and how to balance your life and renewing your body, soul and mind. They book also thought me the power of writing goals and missiont statements that would reflect you during the year. I began settling down and began writing out a list of the goals that im gonna make the following year when the school reopens, and a list a mission statements that would reflect what are the things that im gonna do in that year to improve my attitude, and improve on a lot of things and accomplishing tons of opportunities are will be thrown to me during that year. It took about 2 hours to really think hard and write a these lists down. This is my mission statement for 2002:
1. Do not judge a book by its cover.
2. Be proactive.
3. Be principle-centered, the best way to get through your life.
4. Set reacheable goals.
5. Never take the simple things in life like friends, family trust and love for granted. You never know when its gonna run out or dissappear forever.
6. Appreciate other people's differences and see their differences as a great advantage.
7. Go for every opportunity.
8. Do something different everyday.
9. be independent. Relying on you friends all the time just sucks! Trust me.
10. Don't be afraid. Just do it. Don't turn back as reward is near.
11. Treat every setback as a road to success and greater opportunity.
12. Use momentous moments to reach your goals and even exceed your expectations.
13. Think win-win, for I am a grape.
14. Be a prioritizer, not a procrastinator, Yes-man or slacker.
15. Plan ahead. Be balance.
16. Seek first to understand then to be understood.
17. Accept challenges and take risk.
18. Take time to renew yourself, your soul, your body and your relationships, with your friends and families.
19. Be a role-model in whatever you are at.
20. Your greatest fears can be your best friend if you know how to handle them well.
21. Don't worry, be at you best.
With these mission statement that I have created and from that point on in my life, it changed my life completely. With that book, it changed my life totally, as if i had been reborn again and about to start my life afresh. Without it, i would not do well in my studies as i have shown it now, due to lack of inspiration from anybody and probably would do many nasty stuff, like breaking school rules and the likes. This book inspired me to reach my goals and do well in whatever im in.
Throughout that year, i perservered and its not easy mind you. Balancing so many things at one goal is no easy task and im amazed that the author who wrote this book understands how teenagers are faced with various problems nowadays as compared to teenagers 20 years ago. I began accepting my fate and began a new journey in friendship making, attitude-improving, principle-centered, academically-successful and many more, rather than to indulge in my past, negative emotions and the mistakes that i have done, since it no use turning back. By the end of the year, i made a lot of friends, stress-free, and basically happy at what i am in at that time. When the end-of-year-results were released, I was amazed! I got 1st in class position!! Never in my life have i acomplished such a daunting task. I must thank my friends who has helped me a lot during the process. Basically, we all help each other to acomplish their task (hopefully we did). All these hard work had been paid off! Statement 4,10,13,9, and 3 really worked well for me. I was so proud of myself and blessed that i made the right choice. During the course of that year, i continually strengthen my principles and spotted many paradigm shifts.
Here I am, sitting at Macdonalds Restaurant, writing my entry on paper. Its gonna be a long entry full of rantings and negative thoughts of what had happened to me recently. The reason why i wrote this entry in a restaurant is because im bored at home. Hopefully i can meet some of my friends, new and old passing by the busy corridor as i look through the glass panel. Its 2 in the afternoon and it gets pretty crowded during lunchtime.
The last few days had been stressful, negative and terrible to experience. Not only in band but the teachers and friends. Its the holdiay season but i'm still getting all these things. Dont they know what does the word holiday season mean? It means that we get to relax and hangout with friends, away from school as much as possible. Still im going back to school 3 days a week for band. What have i done to deserve this? Why am i getting these treatments? Why am i getting negative feelings? Why am i feeling hopeless? Why am i getting frustrated? Are my principles that i have hold on to for sooo long finally begining to abandon me? Have i change my attitude that drastically? Have I change alot, or is it the environment that im in? Are my choice of friends the right ones? Am i a good leader? So many questions, soo little time, soo little opinions, soo little help.
In band: My-teacher-in-charge will be leaving next month and soon the band will have a new teacher in charge. Again, I have to adapt and make necessary changes to suit the environment. Its barely a year and again i have to make changes and adapt. My present teacher in charge is not very happy with me. For no good reason, she just overreact and shouts at me in front of the whole band. What i think is right for the band is wrong to her. I cant seem to take initiatives on my own without the intervention of the teacher. It seems that i have led my teacher down and also the band down because i have not been a very good leader. Never in my life i oppose a teacher. Throughout my life in school, i always thought that the teachers are saviors who always make the right decisions but now, i just couldnt take it anymore and feel like shouting back at her but im afraid to do it.
She is a stuck up bitch. She even dared ask me whether i was mad at her when she shouted and overreacted at me the day before. argh!!!!!! She is doing injustice to me. Im in a dilemma right now. Being a leader is extremely hard and i dont think i am a natural born leader. Its hard to accept that you are a leader when you have led your teachers and members down many times.
I feel that im not a really good leader and that the teachers and peers have made a wrong choice. Im just too emotional and often take criticism too personally. These negative emotions are really compromising my dignity and principles which i have held up high for the past year. Being happy, proactive towards everything, make many friends, patience, endurance, commitment and working hard as reward is near. These are some of the priciples ive upheld. Now, it dont know whether im principle centered anymore.
This is a story about how a book changed my life:
Exactly one year ago, when i got my end-of-year-results, in Sec 2, my dreams were shattered when i realised that i couldnt get to a better class, triple science, double math. Although i was second in class position, i still couldnt get in because of my math, i failed my math badly. This result in going to another worthless class, with worthless students, worthless subjects, and a worthless future. That was what i thought at first. Some of my friends dont deserve to be in the first class, and some even failed their english but still manage to get in!! Some of my best friends whom i helped them alot in many ways, got in the better class, leaving me with nothing. From that point on, vengeance, hate, jealousy, frustrations, hopelessness and anger sets in. And i indulge into these emotions throughout the holidays. During the holidays, i felt frustrated and hopeless all the time. I rejected good friends' invitation to hangout with them coz they are enjoying it since they are all in the better class, so why should i hangout with them?(vengeance and hatred) I stayed home and did some serious pondering and reflection on myself and quite some reading too. My social life and social interation was a flat zero back then.
Then one day, i went to Kinokuniya and was browsing some self help books on the shelf and came across this book entitled "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens"
I read a few pages and found out that this book will help a teenager change his attitude and become a better teen. It was such an expensive book since it was a bestseller but i bought it and began reading hoping that it could change my life.
2 weeks later, upon finished reading the book, I realized that this book has a lot of life lessons to learn. Its also very updated because the author knows how teenagers are faced with difficult challengers in the modern world nowadays. The book teaches you how to manage time and stress and how to balance your life and renewing your body, soul and mind. They book also thought me the power of writing goals and missiont statements that would reflect you during the year. I began settling down and began writing out a list of the goals that im gonna make the following year when the school reopens, and a list a mission statements that would reflect what are the things that im gonna do in that year to improve my attitude, and improve on a lot of things and accomplishing tons of opportunities are will be thrown to me during that year. It took about 2 hours to really think hard and write a these lists down. This is my mission statement for 2002:
1. Do not judge a book by its cover.
2. Be proactive.
3. Be principle-centered, the best way to get through your life.
4. Set reacheable goals.
5. Never take the simple things in life like friends, family trust and love for granted. You never know when its gonna run out or dissappear forever.
6. Appreciate other people's differences and see their differences as a great advantage.
7. Go for every opportunity.
8. Do something different everyday.
9. be independent. Relying on you friends all the time just sucks! Trust me.
10. Don't be afraid. Just do it. Don't turn back as reward is near.
11. Treat every setback as a road to success and greater opportunity.
12. Use momentous moments to reach your goals and even exceed your expectations.
13. Think win-win, for I am a grape.
14. Be a prioritizer, not a procrastinator, Yes-man or slacker.
15. Plan ahead. Be balance.
16. Seek first to understand then to be understood.
17. Accept challenges and take risk.
18. Take time to renew yourself, your soul, your body and your relationships, with your friends and families.
19. Be a role-model in whatever you are at.
20. Your greatest fears can be your best friend if you know how to handle them well.
21. Don't worry, be at you best.
With these mission statement that I have created and from that point on in my life, it changed my life completely. With that book, it changed my life totally, as if i had been reborn again and about to start my life afresh. Without it, i would not do well in my studies as i have shown it now, due to lack of inspiration from anybody and probably would do many nasty stuff, like breaking school rules and the likes. This book inspired me to reach my goals and do well in whatever im in.
Throughout that year, i perservered and its not easy mind you. Balancing so many things at one goal is no easy task and im amazed that the author who wrote this book understands how teenagers are faced with various problems nowadays as compared to teenagers 20 years ago. I began accepting my fate and began a new journey in friendship making, attitude-improving, principle-centered, academically-successful and many more, rather than to indulge in my past, negative emotions and the mistakes that i have done, since it no use turning back. By the end of the year, i made a lot of friends, stress-free, and basically happy at what i am in at that time. When the end-of-year-results were released, I was amazed! I got 1st in class position!! Never in my life have i acomplished such a daunting task. I must thank my friends who has helped me a lot during the process. Basically, we all help each other to acomplish their task (hopefully we did). All these hard work had been paid off! Statement 4,10,13,9, and 3 really worked well for me. I was so proud of myself and blessed that i made the right choice. During the course of that year, i continually strengthen my principles and spotted many paradigm shifts.
Thursday, November 07, 2002
Oh gosh forgot my daily entry for NCO
Oops! It seems that i forgot to write the journal on a daily basis and to give an account of each of my NCO In-Camp training. My compter crashed recently and took me 3 days to get everything back up again, and since my NCO took up the whole day and rarely had the time to treat my wounded computer. Anyway, a summary:
Today is the third day of the five days in NCO. Its quite fun being in a Band Majors Course, making friends from other school and learning new things like conducting techniques and new leadership skill that i can inculcate in my band. Its no easy job but ill try to do my best. We discussed alot of things and i get better insights about the band from other school. Its an interesting experience and a paradigm shift. I always thought that this camp would be sooo boring that id rather go to hell than to attend this grueling 5 day camp the whole day! But it turns out that its very interesting camp though there is not much to do for a Band Major, since we just play and practise the pieces for the Passing out Parade on the last day. The conductor is a very experienced one. He his in his early 40's , judging from his looks he is an eurasian but stayed in singapore for a very long time. He has been teaching band for 22 years and knows alot of things about band. As he always said, he lives and breathes band. He has a good sense of humour and i like his teaching. His teaching is far different from any other conductors and always try to simplify difficult parts through many approaches to different challenges. By the way, his name is Mr Gloss.
He gave a great insight about being a conductor of school bands and has been teaching numerous school bands. He is retiring early, in about 2 years time and ill never forget him. He never gets angry and always smiling and liven up the spirit of the band. It great being around with him.
All in all that is my long summary of the 3 days in NCO. Ill elaborate later if i have the time.
Today is the third day of the five days in NCO. Its quite fun being in a Band Majors Course, making friends from other school and learning new things like conducting techniques and new leadership skill that i can inculcate in my band. Its no easy job but ill try to do my best. We discussed alot of things and i get better insights about the band from other school. Its an interesting experience and a paradigm shift. I always thought that this camp would be sooo boring that id rather go to hell than to attend this grueling 5 day camp the whole day! But it turns out that its very interesting camp though there is not much to do for a Band Major, since we just play and practise the pieces for the Passing out Parade on the last day. The conductor is a very experienced one. He his in his early 40's , judging from his looks he is an eurasian but stayed in singapore for a very long time. He has been teaching band for 22 years and knows alot of things about band. As he always said, he lives and breathes band. He has a good sense of humour and i like his teaching. His teaching is far different from any other conductors and always try to simplify difficult parts through many approaches to different challenges. By the way, his name is Mr Gloss.
He gave a great insight about being a conductor of school bands and has been teaching numerous school bands. He is retiring early, in about 2 years time and ill never forget him. He never gets angry and always smiling and liven up the spirit of the band. It great being around with him.
All in all that is my long summary of the 3 days in NCO. Ill elaborate later if i have the time.
Thursday, October 31, 2002
Complete Idiot!
Today is the second last day of school and just got my report book back. Im quite happy with my results except for my maths becoz i failed by only 4 marks!! If i passed my maths, i would have passed all my subjects with no red marks in the result slip.
Something unfortunate happened today in my class. My friend, Jun Chong, was playing around in class, coz he was bored so as the rest of the class and he and another idiot classmate who WAS my friend bumped into each other and hurt thier head. Zhi Hao, who was my friend was acting so immature, like an 8 year old kid, started to take revenge on Jun Chong and they both started fighting! I witnessed the whole incident and i saw that Zhi Hao started it all. The class went into a state of pendomonium and chaos everywhere. I had to stop them and calm Jun Chong but i was surprised that he did not want to fight with him and was acting cool all the time. On the other hand Zhi Hao, the alleged trouble maker started cursing and whats more, crying!!
So childish! i never seen a person so emotionally swayed. This is not the first time he started fighting in class this year. Its uncountable. I just hate him. He is sooo vengeful that he'll take a fight at anyone, big or small no matter what the circumstances might be. But of all the fight that he picked, he never won a single one. He did lots of other childish and rude things. Just read the entry dated 10.28.2002. That'll give you a better idea on his character and personality. argh!! I just hate him. Dunno why he is destined to be with us.... or worse... fate.
Something unfortunate happened today in my class. My friend, Jun Chong, was playing around in class, coz he was bored so as the rest of the class and he and another idiot classmate who WAS my friend bumped into each other and hurt thier head. Zhi Hao, who was my friend was acting so immature, like an 8 year old kid, started to take revenge on Jun Chong and they both started fighting! I witnessed the whole incident and i saw that Zhi Hao started it all. The class went into a state of pendomonium and chaos everywhere. I had to stop them and calm Jun Chong but i was surprised that he did not want to fight with him and was acting cool all the time. On the other hand Zhi Hao, the alleged trouble maker started cursing and whats more, crying!!
So childish! i never seen a person so emotionally swayed. This is not the first time he started fighting in class this year. Its uncountable. I just hate him. He is sooo vengeful that he'll take a fight at anyone, big or small no matter what the circumstances might be. But of all the fight that he picked, he never won a single one. He did lots of other childish and rude things. Just read the entry dated 10.28.2002. That'll give you a better idea on his character and personality. argh!! I just hate him. Dunno why he is destined to be with us.... or worse... fate.
Wednesday, October 30, 2002
Bye October, Hi November
Hey guess what?
I just got my results for my final year papers and i got great results! I passed all my subjects and got 3 'A's!! Im top in the class and im feeling happy!
My NCO camp is coming on the 5th of November till 9th of November. Im kinda nervous because I've not been practising the music pieces that are gonna played on that day. As for the Assistant Drum Major, good luck in throwing your mace with ace in the field! Just hope that you will do the school and the band proud!
I just got my results for my final year papers and i got great results! I passed all my subjects and got 3 'A's!! Im top in the class and im feeling happy!
My NCO camp is coming on the 5th of November till 9th of November. Im kinda nervous because I've not been practising the music pieces that are gonna played on that day. As for the Assistant Drum Major, good luck in throwing your mace with ace in the field! Just hope that you will do the school and the band proud!
Monday, October 28, 2002
Return to Innocence
Enigma, Return to Innocence
This song is dedicated to my friend who has cause so much suffering to another friend unintentionally and without realizing his mistakes at all. I hope this song help you in realizing it and hope that you will not make the same mistake again. What you did sparked a chain reaction of negative events and you must accept the consequences. Nevertheless, this song will help you to find your way to return to innocence. I hope you have learnt your mistake.
Love - Devotion
Feeling - Emotion
Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence.
If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny.
Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence.
That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence.
[Don't care what people say
Follow just your own way
Follow just your own way
Don't give up, don't give up
To return, to return to innocence.]
[If you want then laugh
If you must then cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny.]
Thanks to the person who invited my friends to her housewarming. Your house is sooo great!. We had a great time with you and you hope that this memory will last forever.
This song is dedicated to my friend who has cause so much suffering to another friend unintentionally and without realizing his mistakes at all. I hope this song help you in realizing it and hope that you will not make the same mistake again. What you did sparked a chain reaction of negative events and you must accept the consequences. Nevertheless, this song will help you to find your way to return to innocence. I hope you have learnt your mistake.
Love - Devotion
Feeling - Emotion
Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence.
If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny.
Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence.
That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence.
[Don't care what people say
Follow just your own way
Follow just your own way
Don't give up, don't give up
To return, to return to innocence.]
[If you want then laugh
If you must then cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny.]
Thanks to the person who invited my friends to her housewarming. Your house is sooo great!. We had a great time with you and you hope that this memory will last forever.
Tuesday, October 22, 2002
Exams Finally Over!
Exams are finally over! Now I can relax a little bit. As usual, I think that im gonna fail my math, MT and F&N. The English paper 2 is kinda easy but the paper 1 is kinda hard. Today is the first day of the three day marking day and im enjoying my so called holidays. Band practices during the holidays are JAMMED PACKED! I have NCO Camps to deal with, fasting and those crappy band pracs! Can someone please help me to use all my available free time to the fullest! I have nothing much to say except that our class, no matter how fun and carefree they are in thier end of year exams, i think more or less students will be retained or demoted. I hope i can get all of them safe and sound next year and hoped that there is no 3C next year. One of our fellow schoolmates has just passed away, before completing his "O" levels. A lament for him...
Thursday, October 10, 2002
Exam Fever
Exam Fever
From next week onwards will be starting the exam season for the year and you know what? Im neither getting serious about it, nor ive done any serious studying for the past few weeks and the first paper is about to begin next friday. Im feeling too overconfident about the paper being easy and this can be dangerous. Secondly, Band and other CCA has stepped down because of the exams and this can be a blessing. Firstly i dont have to see that bloddy In-charge anymore for quite sometime and that for once in a long time, i can forget about band and put other things first. Lately, ive been studying as a group in the library and other fast food restuarants that have a comfortable place to study but i dont find it too serious of "In-head" thing. All is just talk about the subject and forgetting most of it when getting back home. And i also dont have the inspirations and effort to study as hard in this time of the period. Dont know what to do. Ive been doing group study with some of the good friends in class, males AND females. We are a very socialble group. So exams coming, band away from my shoulders and friends ahead of me. Tommorrow, again ill be doing group study at Burger King with the same group of friends (hopefully) that were present on thursday, when we did the group study.
From next week onwards will be starting the exam season for the year and you know what? Im neither getting serious about it, nor ive done any serious studying for the past few weeks and the first paper is about to begin next friday. Im feeling too overconfident about the paper being easy and this can be dangerous. Secondly, Band and other CCA has stepped down because of the exams and this can be a blessing. Firstly i dont have to see that bloddy In-charge anymore for quite sometime and that for once in a long time, i can forget about band and put other things first. Lately, ive been studying as a group in the library and other fast food restuarants that have a comfortable place to study but i dont find it too serious of "In-head" thing. All is just talk about the subject and forgetting most of it when getting back home. And i also dont have the inspirations and effort to study as hard in this time of the period. Dont know what to do. Ive been doing group study with some of the good friends in class, males AND females. We are a very socialble group. So exams coming, band away from my shoulders and friends ahead of me. Tommorrow, again ill be doing group study at Burger King with the same group of friends (hopefully) that were present on thursday, when we did the group study.
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